Be Still...

So everyone knows that I've struggled quite a bit with losing my grandmother. I was in a really dark place for a while. It was a victory for me to even get out of bed. I just didn't want to live in a world that she wasn't in. I don't mean to say that in a dramatic way. I was not suicidal by any stretch of the imagination. I just didn't know how to accept her being gone. I missed more work in that month than I probably have missed in several years time. When I did go to work I just sat at my desk and cried, not able to focus on anything I should've been working on. My grief consumed me. The emptiness was too heavy for me to carry. About a month after she passed away I was still just in such a depression. I was driving to work on a Thursday morning, crying (of course), and I decided to just turn my radio off and pray. It was more like yelling at God than talking to Him. I was crying, asking why He hasn't taken this from me. Why hasn't He eased this pain?...

My grandmother passed away. Those are 4 words that don't even make sense to me. Four words that don't go together to form a proper sentence. It's been 3 weeks (tomorrow) and it feels like it was hours ago, and at the same time it feels like it's been an eternity. On a Sunday afternoon I got a call that she was diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer that had spread throughout her body. Her lungs were filling with fluid and they were also filled with blood clots. I knew I needed to get to Florida as soon as I could, though everyone was telling me that I shouldn't waste my money because I would probably be too late. I started praying about it, looked online at flights and found one that left that evening for $42. I knew God was telling me to go. I knew I needed to be there. So despite what everyone tried to tell me, I got on that plane and prayed that I would make it in time to say goodbye. I don't think anyone or anything could have stopped me from going. That was the ...

It's almost a new year. I think naturally we all kind of reflect on the past year. Reminisce about good memories. Curse the bad ones. I have found this past year to be one of renewal for me. Renewal of my mental and emotional health, the beginning stages of renewal of my physical health (this is a tough one for me, but I'm working on it), and most of all renewal of my faith and commitment to God. After searching for a church for over 5 years, I knew the first time I stepped foot into this one that it is where God has called me. I've also been called into my dream ministry of leading worship. Almost nothing makes me happier than using my voice to point people to Christ. There's no more beautiful sound than taking my earpiece out (which is a no-no, but sometimes I do it anyway) and hearing the congregation sing their hearts out too. When I do that, I can almost never hold back tears. It's so powerful. It's so beautiful. It's my favorite. Also being a part of t...

I'm strong. But I'm struggling. I don't like to admit that. I don't like to admit that I'm scared. I don't like to admit that my faith is lacking right now. I don't like to admit that I don't have everything under control, or that right now I feel like I have absolutely nothing under control. So here I am, being as vulnerable as I can be. Admitting it all. I hope that writing this will give me the peace and reassurance I so desperately need right now. I pray that it may also help someone else too. A few weeks ago I got the dreaded letter that the man who abused and tortured my mom for 10 years was granted parole. This week has been especially hard for me because he's being released in 2 days. I'm terrified. I'm angry. I feel very let down by the judicial system. I feel like all the therapy I went through in order to accept what happened and let go of the guilt I felt for not protecting my mom -- it all went out the window when I got that le...

I am not a morning person, especially when on vacation. On my vacation time, I want to sleep in. I don’t want to be on any type of schedule. I want to just relax. But this morning, while in Galveston, TX David and I decided to get up early to watch the sunrise over the Gulf of Mexico. I have never watched a sunrise over the ocean. We walked down to the beach and sat on the rocks of the pier. As we were walking down, I was disappointed to see all of the dark clouds, thinking that it won’t be as visible, or as beautiful with them in the way.  I was so hoping for them to move so I could see the beautiful, clear sunrise that I had pictured in my mind. We sat on the pier, with just the perfect amount of breeze. The sound of the waves crashing and once in a while we’d get a little splash of saltwater. And we watched. I realized there were tears streaming down my face as I watched this beautiful bright orange light begin to peak through the coulds, and then light them up completely. I h...

My son Carter is an incredibly talented martial artist. (No mom-bias here whatsoever.) He started training when he was 6 years old in a Korean martial art called Kuk Sool Won. I think about his progress over the years, his setbacks, his discouragements, his persistence, and his achievements, and I know exactly why he's come so far and is so great at it. He has competed all over the country, earned several gold medals and countless other medals. He is currently in the testing process to earn his black belt, and he's now teaching other students. There are so many reasons for this. First, it's his determination. He has wanted that black belt since the first time he stepped foot in that school. See, the black belt uniforms are way cooler than the others. The belts themselves are cooler. Black belts are set apart from everyone else. They have achieved what every single student is aiming to achieve. He has had this goal since he was 6 years old, and this coming Spring he will...

I know I'm not the only one who's asked this question. Where is God? Why am I going through what I'm going through? What is the lesson in this, or punishment? What have I done to deserve this? Why is this happening....again? There's really no other way to put this... my husband has been a walking medical nightmare since 2013. Five years. FIVE. It's been one thing after another. In 2013 he had a small tear in his Achilles tendon. He had it repaired, went through a rough recovery, got his cast off and began physical therapy. Less than a week later he rolled his ankle and ruptured the same tendon. This time it was a complete rupture. Another surgery. Another recovery. For nine months of that year, he was on crutches. Plus the physical therapy and recovery time once he began walking on it again. At that time we had a 13 year old daughter who knew everything, hated us, and did her best to make things as difficult as possible (as 13 year old hormonal girls do.) David wa...

Can we just talk about motherhood for a minute? Some days I feel like I'm killing it. I have dinner in the crock pot first thing in the morning, my house is clean, I walk into Carter's bedroom and he's got his Bible open studying, I FaceTime Madison and she tells me about all the awesome things she's doing while away at school... and I just feel like I've got it all together. I'm really nailing this mom thing. These days are few and far between. Most days are more like this: I hit snooze on my alarm so many times that I don't even have time to dry my hair, I go to work, come home and try to figure out what I can feed my family for dinner, which almost always ends up being from a box or something frozen unless I pick up a pizza or a rotisserie chicken from the grocery store, I'm moody because I'm stressed out from work so I'm biting everyone's head off. Carter is mad at me because I come home yelling about him not finishing his chores. D...

If you've grown up in the church, or been in church at all really, you know the story of Jonah and the whale. Here it is in a nutshell: God tried to send Jonah to Nineveh to tell the people to repent or God would destroy the city, Jonah runs from God and gets on a boat going in the opposite direction, he gets thrown overboard, God sends a fish to swallow him, he prays to God from the belly of the fish and agrees to go to Nineveh, God causes the fish to spit him out and he goes and preaches to the people of Ninevah.... moral of the story,  you can't run from God. The End. Discaimer: I am blogging what my pastor preached this past Sunday. I wish these were my thoughts, but they were so powerful to me that I really felt like I should share.   So the part of the story that isn't told often is what happened AFTER Jonah obeyed God and went to Nineveh. He went and warned them that if they didn't repent, God was going to destroy their city in 40 days. They believed him, the...

For me, there is no worse feeling than being helpless. I make myself sick worrying about situations that I can't help with. I woke up this morning to bad news from two different people. Two completely different situations. Two people who I love so so deeply. Two situations that I can't control, or help with in any way, or really even come up with the right words to offer comfort. There are just some situations where the last thing people want/need to hear are "God has this" or "Keep praying, don't lose your faith" or "God has a plan" or even "I'm praying for you." Those last four words have become so cliche, haven't they? We hear them so often that I feel like it waters down the power of prayer. Every post on Facebook where something bad happens, you see hundreds of comments of "I'm praying for you." But do we really? Do we actually get on our knees and do it? One of these people told me that she hadn't s...

I was so apprehensive about starting to write. I mentioned in my first post that I am so unqualified to teach anyone anything about God. I didn't understand why I had this urge to write. I sing. That's my ministry. I'm not good with putting my thoughts together. But I just couldn't stop thinking about it. When I finally decided to give it a try, I thought I'd try to write once a week. I really don't have a lot to say. I can tell stories, but I had no idea how I would relate them to anything Biblical or how to form any sort of lesson/devotion out of them. I've never done anything like this.  So my plan was to write once a week, and my measure of success would be that someone other than my mom reads it. I would study scripture, pray about what I should write, and take my time putting my thoughts together for my weekly post. I wrote the first one and had a feeling of relief, like 'ok now I can start thinking about what to write about next week.' I g...

This one is a little personal for me to write. I'm hesitant to share for a couple of reasons. First, I don't want sympathy. I don't want people to think "ohhh, that poor girl." I am not scarred. I did not have a troubled childhood, by any stretch. I am not harboring hate or anger. But most of all, I don't want this to come across as a bashing session, or accusatory, or hateful in any way. So here it is. I grew up in a home with an alcoholic dad. From a very young age I had a good understanding of what alcohol was. Simply because I was taught from the time I could walk that I am not to touch dad's drink. There were kid drinks and there were adult drinks. My dad always, ALWAYS had an adult drink. I mean, in the morning before work he was mixing his Bacardi and Diet Pepsi. When I say he was never without an adult drink, I mean never. This was my normal. When I was young, I didn't know that it was a problem. Again I want to stress that I do not consi...

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 There is a time for everything, a season for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to rebuild. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. A time to search and a time to lose. A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speed up. A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace.  Cool nights, allergies and Halloween stores opening on every corner are telling me that Fall is coming! I love the fall. I love everything about it. I love fall decorations, and fall scents, and cider mills, and college football. It's my favorite time of year. I especially love red leaves. My family will roll their eyes at me because I point out ...

One of my favorite stories in the Bible is the story about Jesus healing the demon possessed boy. There are a few different accounts of this, and for the most part they all tell the same story. My favorite is how it's told in the book of Mark. The basics of the story are that Jesus finds a large crowd surrounding some of the disciples and an argument is happening between them and some teachers of religious law. Jesus asked what the arguing was all about and a man tells Jesus that his son is possessed by a demon. He tells Jesus that he asked the disciples to cast out the evil spirit, but they couldn't. Jesus asks how long the boy has been possessed and the dad tells him since he was a small child. Then Jesus casts out the demons. That's the part of the story that is the same for the most part each time it's told. The reason I like the 'Mark version' the most is that it goes on to say that the man asks Jesus to "Do something if you can." (Mark 9:22) To...