Small stuff.
So everyone knows that I've struggled quite a bit with losing my grandmother. I was in a really dark place for a while. It was a victory for me to even get out of bed. I just didn't want to live in a world that she wasn't in. I don't mean to say that in a dramatic way. I was not suicidal by any stretch of the imagination. I just didn't know how to accept her being gone. I missed more work in that month than I probably have missed in several years time. When I did go to work I just sat at my desk and cried, not able to focus on anything I should've been working on. My grief consumed me. The emptiness was too heavy for me to carry.
About a month after she passed away I was still just in such a depression. I was driving to work on a Thursday morning, crying (of course), and I decided to just turn my radio off and pray. It was more like yelling at God than talking to Him. I was crying, asking why He hasn't taken this from me. Why hasn't He eased this pain? Why do I still feel like I can't breathe, or function? I think I've shared before that I'm someone who has always struggled with hearing God's voice. I want a 'Bruce Almighty' encounter, where I can hear this Morgan Freeman-esque voice... or maybe that's Evan Almighty. Anyway. I've just never been able to recognize or discern His voice. I envy people who know and recognize when He is speaking to them. But this day as soon as I started asking those questions, God said to me "You're not reaching out to me. You haven't opened your Bible once since she passed away. You're reaching out to Facebook, and friends, and family for the comfort that only I can provide."
OUCH!
So in that moment, during that car ride I decided to give it all to Him. I asked that He take this grief from me because I couldn't carry it anymore. I asked that He would give me strength. And peace. And comfort. And guidance. I also (for the first time in my life) asked him to help me with this struggle I have with my weight. I'm not strong enough or disciplined enough to stick to a diet or exercise plan. I just gave everything to Him, and I trusted that He would come through.
The next day, completely out of the blue, a woman who I know through martial arts sent me a Facebook message. Her family stopped training at our martial arts school about a year ago but I didn't really know why. I hadn't seen or talked to her since they left. Her message just said that she's seen my Facebook posts about how I'm struggling with grief and she asked if we could meet for lunch. I said yes, though I truly never had any intention of following through. I was still at a point where leaving the house was too much. I cried at the drop of a dime and looked like a crazy person walking around so I avoided public places as much as possible. She said "ok, but I'm not gonna let you say yes and not follow through... so let's meet tomorrow." It's like she was reading my mind. So the next day I met her for lunch. She shared with me that she lost both of her parents last year and was struggling with a lot of the same feelings I was. Not only that, she was diagnosed with breast cancer, had a mastectomy, went septic and spent a long time in the hospital, almost losing her own life. Then right after Christmas she lost her dog. If that didn't put things into perspective for me, I don't know what would have. She said that she started seeing a therapist and she just kept asking "why would God allow all of this to happen? Why would He take my parents, and my breast... and my dog?!" and her therapist said "because He's going to use you to help someone else through their grief. He's going to turn your tragedy into a testimony." So there we sat at Applebee's, crying over our French Onion soup and talking like we had been best friends our entire lives.
But then a really cool thing happened. She said "what I've found helps me the most is working out. I hired a personal trainer and I've been going to the gym for about 5 weeks now and that's helped me so much." I asked what gym she goes to. It just so happens to be the same gym I have a membership at, but don't use. I told her that. She said "well come with me!" Again, I said ok never really intending to follow through. She said "Let's go tomorrow." Oh, but don't worry. I had my arsenal of excuses ready. I have church, and I'm singing tomorrow so I have to be there at 7:30am, and then I need to do housework and laundry, and grocery shop... just my usual go-to excuses. She said "ok... how early can you go? 5am?" Who IS this person? Why is she so persistent? Why can't she just let me make excuses and sit at home depressed? You know why?
Because, God.
God had nudged her to reach out to me. She said she's not the type of person to randomly message someone, but she knew she had to contact me.
That next morning began my new lifestyle. We met at the gym at 5am and worked out together. We've been doing that 4 days a week for a month now. On the mornings where I just don't want to deal with reality, or my former lazy-self is louder than my new self, I think about going back to sleep and then I remember that she's waiting for me. She reached out to help me and the least I can do is not stand her up. Now I look so forward to our gym time. I look forward to the conversation we'll have, the encouragement that we'll give each other, the workouts we'll do, and even the sore muscles I'll have afterwards. I cannot even put into words how things have changed for me since God sent her into my life. As of today (one month in) I have lost 4lbs and 8.5 inches. I've met so many personal goals. I'm stronger than I was a month ago physically, emotionally, and most importantly in my faith. God knew exactly what I needed. He was just waiting for me to realize that He was the only one who could provide it. Be careful what you ask Him for. He's right there ready to give it to you!
I don't mean to make this about fitness. Though that is a big part of my story, the bigger part is that God provided. He not only sent me someone who could empathize with and help me through my grief, but someone who could be an answer to my other prayer too. He wants all of me. He wants me to seek him in every aspect of my life. I would've never thought to ask Him for help with my weight loss. That's not a God-thing, is it?
So my challenge to you is to give Him the small stuff. Not just your big problems, not just your big victories. Seek him and praise him in everything life throws at you. Then just watch Him work. He's faithful through my grief, which is HUGE. But He's also faithful in the small stuff that I think I shouldn't bother Him with.
About a month after she passed away I was still just in such a depression. I was driving to work on a Thursday morning, crying (of course), and I decided to just turn my radio off and pray. It was more like yelling at God than talking to Him. I was crying, asking why He hasn't taken this from me. Why hasn't He eased this pain? Why do I still feel like I can't breathe, or function? I think I've shared before that I'm someone who has always struggled with hearing God's voice. I want a 'Bruce Almighty' encounter, where I can hear this Morgan Freeman-esque voice... or maybe that's Evan Almighty. Anyway. I've just never been able to recognize or discern His voice. I envy people who know and recognize when He is speaking to them. But this day as soon as I started asking those questions, God said to me "You're not reaching out to me. You haven't opened your Bible once since she passed away. You're reaching out to Facebook, and friends, and family for the comfort that only I can provide."
OUCH!
So in that moment, during that car ride I decided to give it all to Him. I asked that He take this grief from me because I couldn't carry it anymore. I asked that He would give me strength. And peace. And comfort. And guidance. I also (for the first time in my life) asked him to help me with this struggle I have with my weight. I'm not strong enough or disciplined enough to stick to a diet or exercise plan. I just gave everything to Him, and I trusted that He would come through.
The next day, completely out of the blue, a woman who I know through martial arts sent me a Facebook message. Her family stopped training at our martial arts school about a year ago but I didn't really know why. I hadn't seen or talked to her since they left. Her message just said that she's seen my Facebook posts about how I'm struggling with grief and she asked if we could meet for lunch. I said yes, though I truly never had any intention of following through. I was still at a point where leaving the house was too much. I cried at the drop of a dime and looked like a crazy person walking around so I avoided public places as much as possible. She said "ok, but I'm not gonna let you say yes and not follow through... so let's meet tomorrow." It's like she was reading my mind. So the next day I met her for lunch. She shared with me that she lost both of her parents last year and was struggling with a lot of the same feelings I was. Not only that, she was diagnosed with breast cancer, had a mastectomy, went septic and spent a long time in the hospital, almost losing her own life. Then right after Christmas she lost her dog. If that didn't put things into perspective for me, I don't know what would have. She said that she started seeing a therapist and she just kept asking "why would God allow all of this to happen? Why would He take my parents, and my breast... and my dog?!" and her therapist said "because He's going to use you to help someone else through their grief. He's going to turn your tragedy into a testimony." So there we sat at Applebee's, crying over our French Onion soup and talking like we had been best friends our entire lives.
But then a really cool thing happened. She said "what I've found helps me the most is working out. I hired a personal trainer and I've been going to the gym for about 5 weeks now and that's helped me so much." I asked what gym she goes to. It just so happens to be the same gym I have a membership at, but don't use. I told her that. She said "well come with me!" Again, I said ok never really intending to follow through. She said "Let's go tomorrow." Oh, but don't worry. I had my arsenal of excuses ready. I have church, and I'm singing tomorrow so I have to be there at 7:30am, and then I need to do housework and laundry, and grocery shop... just my usual go-to excuses. She said "ok... how early can you go? 5am?" Who IS this person? Why is she so persistent? Why can't she just let me make excuses and sit at home depressed? You know why?
Because, God.
God had nudged her to reach out to me. She said she's not the type of person to randomly message someone, but she knew she had to contact me.
That next morning began my new lifestyle. We met at the gym at 5am and worked out together. We've been doing that 4 days a week for a month now. On the mornings where I just don't want to deal with reality, or my former lazy-self is louder than my new self, I think about going back to sleep and then I remember that she's waiting for me. She reached out to help me and the least I can do is not stand her up. Now I look so forward to our gym time. I look forward to the conversation we'll have, the encouragement that we'll give each other, the workouts we'll do, and even the sore muscles I'll have afterwards. I cannot even put into words how things have changed for me since God sent her into my life. As of today (one month in) I have lost 4lbs and 8.5 inches. I've met so many personal goals. I'm stronger than I was a month ago physically, emotionally, and most importantly in my faith. God knew exactly what I needed. He was just waiting for me to realize that He was the only one who could provide it. Be careful what you ask Him for. He's right there ready to give it to you!
I don't mean to make this about fitness. Though that is a big part of my story, the bigger part is that God provided. He not only sent me someone who could empathize with and help me through my grief, but someone who could be an answer to my other prayer too. He wants all of me. He wants me to seek him in every aspect of my life. I would've never thought to ask Him for help with my weight loss. That's not a God-thing, is it?
So my challenge to you is to give Him the small stuff. Not just your big problems, not just your big victories. Seek him and praise him in everything life throws at you. Then just watch Him work. He's faithful through my grief, which is HUGE. But He's also faithful in the small stuff that I think I shouldn't bother Him with.
Luke 12: 6-7: "What is the price of five sparrows? A couple of pennies? Yet God does not forget a single one of them. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to him than a whole flock of sparrows."
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