Let go my soul...
I'm strong. But I'm struggling. I don't like to admit that. I don't like to admit that I'm scared. I don't like to admit that my faith is lacking right now. I don't like to admit that I don't have everything under control, or that right now I feel like I have absolutely nothing under control. So here I am, being as vulnerable as I can be. Admitting it all. I hope that writing this will give me the peace and reassurance I so desperately need right now. I pray that it may also help someone else too.
A few weeks ago I got the dreaded letter that the man who abused and tortured my mom for 10 years was granted parole. This week has been especially hard for me because he's being released in 2 days. I'm terrified. I'm angry. I feel very let down by the judicial system. I feel like all the therapy I went through in order to accept what happened and let go of the guilt I felt for not protecting my mom -- it all went out the window when I got that letter. I did everything I could to keep him in prison. To keep my family safe. I wrote letters to the parole board. I explained everything in detail. From the broken bones, to the cuts and burns, to the choking her out, the psychological torture, and the list goes on... The letter said "after careful consideration..." they have decided that he is rehabilitated and they are granting him parole. I'm still not sure I've accepted it. I'm definitely not ok with it.
So what can I do?
Cry? Done that. Scream? Done that. Lash out at my family? Done. Complain? Yep. Avoid phone calls and any type of deep conversation with just about everyone in my life? Done that too. I don't want to face this. I don't want to think about it and I most definitely don't want to talk about it. In two days, my entire sense of security will be gone. I will never walk outside again without looking over my shoulder to make sure he's not following me. I will never wonder if my kids are safe when they're home alone. I will always wonder if today is the day that he decides to get his revenge. And I feel defenseless.
God's promises to us are that He will be our protector. He will be our source of peace. He will be our comforter. If only we'll fully trust in Him. I know that I've not been doing that in this situation. I know that I've tried to take control, and I know that it didn't work. So I needed a few reminders of His promises, and of my responsibilities.
1. It is my responsibility to keep my focus on Him.
A few weeks ago I got the dreaded letter that the man who abused and tortured my mom for 10 years was granted parole. This week has been especially hard for me because he's being released in 2 days. I'm terrified. I'm angry. I feel very let down by the judicial system. I feel like all the therapy I went through in order to accept what happened and let go of the guilt I felt for not protecting my mom -- it all went out the window when I got that letter. I did everything I could to keep him in prison. To keep my family safe. I wrote letters to the parole board. I explained everything in detail. From the broken bones, to the cuts and burns, to the choking her out, the psychological torture, and the list goes on... The letter said "after careful consideration..." they have decided that he is rehabilitated and they are granting him parole. I'm still not sure I've accepted it. I'm definitely not ok with it.
So what can I do?
Cry? Done that. Scream? Done that. Lash out at my family? Done. Complain? Yep. Avoid phone calls and any type of deep conversation with just about everyone in my life? Done that too. I don't want to face this. I don't want to think about it and I most definitely don't want to talk about it. In two days, my entire sense of security will be gone. I will never walk outside again without looking over my shoulder to make sure he's not following me. I will never wonder if my kids are safe when they're home alone. I will always wonder if today is the day that he decides to get his revenge. And I feel defenseless.
God's promises to us are that He will be our protector. He will be our source of peace. He will be our comforter. If only we'll fully trust in Him. I know that I've not been doing that in this situation. I know that I've tried to take control, and I know that it didn't work. So I needed a few reminders of His promises, and of my responsibilities.
1. It is my responsibility to keep my focus on Him.
Hebrews 3:1 “Therefore, holy brothers, partners in a heavenly calling, keep your focus on Jesus, the apostle and high priest of our confession.”
Hebrews 12:2 "Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed - that exhilarating finish in and with God - he could put up with anything along the way: cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God."
Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You.."
2. It is my responsibility to stay in the Word.
Romans 10:17 "Faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God"
Joshua 1:8 "Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful."
3. It is my responsibility to pray. Often. About everything.
Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus"
Romans 8:26 "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express"
1 John 5:14-15 "This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we asked of him"
4. It is my responsibility to let it go and trust that He will protect me.
Deuteronomy 31:6 "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
Psalms 121:1-8 "I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you— the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.
5. It is my responsibility to accept it. Even when it's not my way.
James 1:2-4 "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
Hebrews 12:2 "Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed - that exhilarating finish in and with God - he could put up with anything along the way: cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God."
Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You.."
2. It is my responsibility to stay in the Word.
Romans 10:17 "Faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God"
Joshua 1:8 "Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful."
3. It is my responsibility to pray. Often. About everything.
Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus"
Romans 8:26 "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express"
1 John 5:14-15 "This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we asked of him"
4. It is my responsibility to let it go and trust that He will protect me.
Deuteronomy 31:6 "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
Psalms 121:1-8 "I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you— the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.
5. It is my responsibility to accept it. Even when it's not my way.
James 1:2-4 "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name
And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
And it is well with me
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