Where are you, God?
I know I'm not the only one who's asked this question. Where is God? Why am I going through what I'm going through? What is the lesson in this, or punishment? What have I done to deserve this? Why is this happening....again?
There's really no other way to put this... my husband has been a walking medical nightmare since 2013. Five years. FIVE. It's been one thing after another. In 2013 he had a small tear in his Achilles tendon. He had it repaired, went through a rough recovery, got his cast off and began physical therapy. Less than a week later he rolled his ankle and ruptured the same tendon. This time it was a complete rupture. Another surgery. Another recovery. For nine months of that year, he was on crutches. Plus the physical therapy and recovery time once he began walking on it again. At that time we had a 13 year old daughter who knew everything, hated us, and did her best to make things as difficult as possible (as 13 year old hormonal girls do.) David was off work, obviously, going stir crazy. Feeling worthless because he wasn't working. I dreaded coming home from work because the kids were either fighting with each other, or one of them were fighting with David. So when I got home, naturally I joined in on the fighting. Our household was a complete war zone.
Fast forward a couple of years and he had this stomach and back pain that they couldn't pinpoint. It ended up being his gall bladder. They removed it. That was minor. No complications. He was back to normal in a matter of weeks.
Last year, he had a double hernia repair. Again, the surgery itself went well. No complications. About 3-4 weeks after his surgery he was backing a riding lawnmower off of a trailer, the trailer flipped backwards, he hit the back of his head on the concrete and the tractor fell on top of him. He had a severe concussion. Have you seen '50 First Dates'? You know Ten Second Tom? That was David for a couple of days. Repeating the same sequence of questions and comments over and over again. They wanted to check out his incision because... well... a tractor just fell on top of him. They noticed some redness and swelling around the site. They cultured it and found it to be a staph infection. Do you know what they do in those cases? They open you back up, pack the wound with gauze, and SEND YOU HOME. So he was discharged from the hospital with a hole in his stomach that was about 2 inches long by maybe 3-4 inches deep. They taught me how to clean and pack it every day. We did this for a few months until it was pretty much closed up and the surgeon gave us the ok to stop wound care and he could go back to work with just a large bandaid covering it.
Did I mention this all started an entire year ago?
A couple of months after we stopped wound care, the incision was still draining. So he went back to the surgeon just to have it looked at. He told him that it's just not fully closed yet, it's taking a little longer, keep it clean, no worries. A couple of weeks ago David woke up with his shirt covered in blood and green drainage. So another trip to the surgeon and one CT scan later.... they determined that the mesh they put in to repair the hernia is infected. So he's looking at another surgery. This time they'll put a different type of mesh in with less chance of infection. I asked if they would close him up this time or if he'd be sent home with an open wound again and he said "I can't make that decision until I get in there." So we may be looking at this same process. Again.
Remember my post about trying to rejoice in your suffering? Yeah. We're not there right now. We're both frustrated, nervous, angry even. Why is this happening again? When will things just be normal again, for more than a year? It's become almost a joke that if it's going to go wrong... it's going to go wrong with David. So as human beings we question "If God is real, if He loves so much, why does he keep letting these things happen?"
Here's my theory: God is working in my life right now on so many levels. I have found a church where I feel at home again, after visiting and searching for about 4 years. He has been pushing me to start writing, which I really believe is His way of pushing me to study more and spend more time reading my Bible. I don't believe that this writing is intended for anyone's benefit but my own. (Though the last time I looked at my "stats", more than 1100 people have read it. HOLY CRAP!) I'm digging deeper into scripture and learning more, just trying to put together my next blog post than I ever have in my life. Remember when I said that I didn't understand why He was calling me to write, and not sing? Well He's done that too. I auditioned to sing with the band at my church and it 'just so happened' that their lead female vocalist is moving and they were looking for a new one. I auditioned; he cut me off about halfway through the song and basically he told me he's heard enough, when can I start? That wasn't coincidence. God is using me. For the first time in a long time I'm letting Him. And the enemy needs to stir things up. He needs to make me question my faith. He needs to use whatever he can to make David question his faith. What better way than to put it in our heads "you're doing all the right things and look where it's getting you... another surgery. Another road block. Another setback." And he's good at it. Really, really good at it.
Listen, when we're pursuing God and His purpose in our lives... and I mean truly pursuing it, we're going to be attacked. Satan doesn't have to attack the ones who aren't believers. He's already got them in his pocket. No, he's going after the ones who are on fire for God. He needs to place that doubt in our minds. In my mind. In David's mind. But hear me when I say this: The battle is already won. I already know the ending. And I'm on the winning side. He never promised that it would be an easy road, only that we wouldn't walk it alone.
1 Peter 5:8 Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.
Philippians 1:6 And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
Ephesians 6:13-17 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
There's really no other way to put this... my husband has been a walking medical nightmare since 2013. Five years. FIVE. It's been one thing after another. In 2013 he had a small tear in his Achilles tendon. He had it repaired, went through a rough recovery, got his cast off and began physical therapy. Less than a week later he rolled his ankle and ruptured the same tendon. This time it was a complete rupture. Another surgery. Another recovery. For nine months of that year, he was on crutches. Plus the physical therapy and recovery time once he began walking on it again. At that time we had a 13 year old daughter who knew everything, hated us, and did her best to make things as difficult as possible (as 13 year old hormonal girls do.) David was off work, obviously, going stir crazy. Feeling worthless because he wasn't working. I dreaded coming home from work because the kids were either fighting with each other, or one of them were fighting with David. So when I got home, naturally I joined in on the fighting. Our household was a complete war zone.
Fast forward a couple of years and he had this stomach and back pain that they couldn't pinpoint. It ended up being his gall bladder. They removed it. That was minor. No complications. He was back to normal in a matter of weeks.
Last year, he had a double hernia repair. Again, the surgery itself went well. No complications. About 3-4 weeks after his surgery he was backing a riding lawnmower off of a trailer, the trailer flipped backwards, he hit the back of his head on the concrete and the tractor fell on top of him. He had a severe concussion. Have you seen '50 First Dates'? You know Ten Second Tom? That was David for a couple of days. Repeating the same sequence of questions and comments over and over again. They wanted to check out his incision because... well... a tractor just fell on top of him. They noticed some redness and swelling around the site. They cultured it and found it to be a staph infection. Do you know what they do in those cases? They open you back up, pack the wound with gauze, and SEND YOU HOME. So he was discharged from the hospital with a hole in his stomach that was about 2 inches long by maybe 3-4 inches deep. They taught me how to clean and pack it every day. We did this for a few months until it was pretty much closed up and the surgeon gave us the ok to stop wound care and he could go back to work with just a large bandaid covering it.
Did I mention this all started an entire year ago?
A couple of months after we stopped wound care, the incision was still draining. So he went back to the surgeon just to have it looked at. He told him that it's just not fully closed yet, it's taking a little longer, keep it clean, no worries. A couple of weeks ago David woke up with his shirt covered in blood and green drainage. So another trip to the surgeon and one CT scan later.... they determined that the mesh they put in to repair the hernia is infected. So he's looking at another surgery. This time they'll put a different type of mesh in with less chance of infection. I asked if they would close him up this time or if he'd be sent home with an open wound again and he said "I can't make that decision until I get in there." So we may be looking at this same process. Again.
Remember my post about trying to rejoice in your suffering? Yeah. We're not there right now. We're both frustrated, nervous, angry even. Why is this happening again? When will things just be normal again, for more than a year? It's become almost a joke that if it's going to go wrong... it's going to go wrong with David. So as human beings we question "If God is real, if He loves so much, why does he keep letting these things happen?"
Here's my theory: God is working in my life right now on so many levels. I have found a church where I feel at home again, after visiting and searching for about 4 years. He has been pushing me to start writing, which I really believe is His way of pushing me to study more and spend more time reading my Bible. I don't believe that this writing is intended for anyone's benefit but my own. (Though the last time I looked at my "stats", more than 1100 people have read it. HOLY CRAP!) I'm digging deeper into scripture and learning more, just trying to put together my next blog post than I ever have in my life. Remember when I said that I didn't understand why He was calling me to write, and not sing? Well He's done that too. I auditioned to sing with the band at my church and it 'just so happened' that their lead female vocalist is moving and they were looking for a new one. I auditioned; he cut me off about halfway through the song and basically he told me he's heard enough, when can I start? That wasn't coincidence. God is using me. For the first time in a long time I'm letting Him. And the enemy needs to stir things up. He needs to make me question my faith. He needs to use whatever he can to make David question his faith. What better way than to put it in our heads "you're doing all the right things and look where it's getting you... another surgery. Another road block. Another setback." And he's good at it. Really, really good at it.
Listen, when we're pursuing God and His purpose in our lives... and I mean truly pursuing it, we're going to be attacked. Satan doesn't have to attack the ones who aren't believers. He's already got them in his pocket. No, he's going after the ones who are on fire for God. He needs to place that doubt in our minds. In my mind. In David's mind. But hear me when I say this: The battle is already won. I already know the ending. And I'm on the winning side. He never promised that it would be an easy road, only that we wouldn't walk it alone.
1 Peter 5:8 Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.
Philippians 1:6 And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
Ephesians 6:13-17 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
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