Jonah
If you've grown up in the church, or been in church at all really, you know the story of Jonah and the whale. Here it is in a nutshell: God tried to send Jonah to Nineveh to tell the people to repent or God would destroy the city, Jonah runs from God and gets on a boat going in the opposite direction, he gets thrown overboard, God sends a fish to swallow him, he prays to God from the belly of the fish and agrees to go to Nineveh, God causes the fish to spit him out and he goes and preaches to the people of Ninevah.... moral of the story, you can't run from God. The End.
Discaimer: I am blogging what my pastor preached this past Sunday. I wish these were my thoughts, but they were so powerful to me that I really felt like I should share.
So the part of the story that isn't told often is what happened AFTER Jonah obeyed God and went to Nineveh. He went and warned them that if they didn't repent, God was going to destroy their city in 40 days. They believed him, they repented and God spared the city from destruction. But Jonah was angry!
Jonah 4:2-3 So he complained to the Lord about it: "Didn't I say before I left home that you would do this, Lord? That is why I ran away to Tarshish! I knew that you were a gracious and compassionate God, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. I knew how easily you could cancel your plans for destroying these people. Just kill me now, Lord! I'd rather be dead than alive because nothing I predicted is going to happen."
Not only was he angry, he was so angry that he wasn't going to get to see God's wrath on the city that he wanted to die! This really spoke to me.
Another somewhat personal story, though most of you who know me know the story. My mom was in a horribly abusive marriage for 10 years. She was brutally beaten and tortured for 10 years. That man is in prison, up for parole in the next couple of months. I don't know the reason that Jonah wanted the people of Nineveh to see the wrath of God, I don't know if they hurt him or his family personally. I know that they were known for being a wicked, warlike city. Maybe he just felt like they deserved the wrath of God and not His mercy. Wow, can I relate!
When I first started going to this church, one of the ministries they talked about was their prison ministry. They actually have a team of people who go into the prisons and preach the Gospel, in hopes of seeing these men and women give their lives to God. I have to just be brutally honest here. Though I'm ashamed to admit this, my first thought was "I hope they don't go to ______ prison." What a terrible thing for me to think. What an un-Christian like way for me to feel. I don't want this man to be ministered to because he deserves what's coming to him! He hurt my mom and just about destroyed our family. I don't want anyone to show him mercy, especially God!
It's not a coincidence that this sermon was preached in this way, in this exact time in my life where I'm struggling with waiting on the decision of the parole board. Where my actual prayers have been for God to keep him in there until he dies. He does not deserve to see the light of day again. I haven't prayed for him to not repent, or to burn in Hell (that I can remember.) But I do know that I've thought that's exactly what he deserves.
Who am I to decide what he deserves?
This has really been weighing on me. Of course I don't want him to be released. I wholeheartedly believe that he is a danger to my family and/or the next woman he is in a relationship with. There is a pattern of this abuse that dates back 30+ years. I'm not sure what this means regarding my faith. Does this mean that I doubt that God can change him? Maybe. I'm just trying to be as transparent as I can here. I don't want to say that I don't believe God CAN change him. I just worry about the repercussions if he is released and he hasn't been changed. Maybe I'm just making excuses for the way I feel. I'm not really sure. I know I'm scared. I know that if/when he is released I will always worry about my family's safety. I know that this sermon has challenged me more than I like to be challenged. I know that it has made me uncomfortable to a point of questioning my faith if I desire to see someone rot in prison, or worse in Hell. I know that it has taught me that I still have a lot of work to do on myself if my first thought is "I hope no one ministers to him."
Here's the thing... do any of us truly deserve God's mercy? Do I? Absolutely not! It's just easier for me to say "I haven't ever purposely hurt anyone, so I deserve it more than that guy." That is not true. God's desire is that we all repent and come to know Him. I'm working on that being my desire as well. The Bible tells us to love our enemies, and to pray for them. That's a tough one for me in this situation.
Like the song says that I sang at age 4: "He's still workin' on me."
Discaimer: I am blogging what my pastor preached this past Sunday. I wish these were my thoughts, but they were so powerful to me that I really felt like I should share.
So the part of the story that isn't told often is what happened AFTER Jonah obeyed God and went to Nineveh. He went and warned them that if they didn't repent, God was going to destroy their city in 40 days. They believed him, they repented and God spared the city from destruction. But Jonah was angry!
Jonah 4:2-3 So he complained to the Lord about it: "Didn't I say before I left home that you would do this, Lord? That is why I ran away to Tarshish! I knew that you were a gracious and compassionate God, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. I knew how easily you could cancel your plans for destroying these people. Just kill me now, Lord! I'd rather be dead than alive because nothing I predicted is going to happen."
Not only was he angry, he was so angry that he wasn't going to get to see God's wrath on the city that he wanted to die! This really spoke to me.
Another somewhat personal story, though most of you who know me know the story. My mom was in a horribly abusive marriage for 10 years. She was brutally beaten and tortured for 10 years. That man is in prison, up for parole in the next couple of months. I don't know the reason that Jonah wanted the people of Nineveh to see the wrath of God, I don't know if they hurt him or his family personally. I know that they were known for being a wicked, warlike city. Maybe he just felt like they deserved the wrath of God and not His mercy. Wow, can I relate!
When I first started going to this church, one of the ministries they talked about was their prison ministry. They actually have a team of people who go into the prisons and preach the Gospel, in hopes of seeing these men and women give their lives to God. I have to just be brutally honest here. Though I'm ashamed to admit this, my first thought was "I hope they don't go to ______ prison." What a terrible thing for me to think. What an un-Christian like way for me to feel. I don't want this man to be ministered to because he deserves what's coming to him! He hurt my mom and just about destroyed our family. I don't want anyone to show him mercy, especially God!
It's not a coincidence that this sermon was preached in this way, in this exact time in my life where I'm struggling with waiting on the decision of the parole board. Where my actual prayers have been for God to keep him in there until he dies. He does not deserve to see the light of day again. I haven't prayed for him to not repent, or to burn in Hell (that I can remember.) But I do know that I've thought that's exactly what he deserves.
Who am I to decide what he deserves?
This has really been weighing on me. Of course I don't want him to be released. I wholeheartedly believe that he is a danger to my family and/or the next woman he is in a relationship with. There is a pattern of this abuse that dates back 30+ years. I'm not sure what this means regarding my faith. Does this mean that I doubt that God can change him? Maybe. I'm just trying to be as transparent as I can here. I don't want to say that I don't believe God CAN change him. I just worry about the repercussions if he is released and he hasn't been changed. Maybe I'm just making excuses for the way I feel. I'm not really sure. I know I'm scared. I know that if/when he is released I will always worry about my family's safety. I know that this sermon has challenged me more than I like to be challenged. I know that it has made me uncomfortable to a point of questioning my faith if I desire to see someone rot in prison, or worse in Hell. I know that it has taught me that I still have a lot of work to do on myself if my first thought is "I hope no one ministers to him."
Here's the thing... do any of us truly deserve God's mercy? Do I? Absolutely not! It's just easier for me to say "I haven't ever purposely hurt anyone, so I deserve it more than that guy." That is not true. God's desire is that we all repent and come to know Him. I'm working on that being my desire as well. The Bible tells us to love our enemies, and to pray for them. That's a tough one for me in this situation.
Like the song says that I sang at age 4: "He's still workin' on me."
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